Act 1 Scene 1:
A large house in Islington. The owner, Sir Ken, a high ranking civil servant,
is hunched over a huge desk scribbling on a government report. The door bursts
open. Enter Annie, his wife, a statuesque thirty odd year old with a fine
embonpoint visible through her low-cut see-through blouse.
Annie: Iím well-pissed off Ken. This marriage is goin nowhere fast. You are a
miserable old git, your ears are too big and you smell. We never go out anywhere
coz youíre always working and Iím not sure Iíd want to anyway. Iíve had enough I
tell you. Iím out of here Ė and Iím taking little Kenny with me.
Sir Ken: Wotís come over you then you stroppy slag? Avenít I give you
everythin youíve asked for Ė a platinum credit card and a chauffeur driven car
to Bluewater every week? Is there some fucker else on the scene then?
Annie: Yis, now you mention it. Iíve bin avin it off with my new geezer Count
Ron. In fact Iím up the duff. Weíre settin ourselves up in a nice little gaff in
Notting Hill if you must know Ė and little Kenny will be going to Harrow where
Count Ron was educated.
Sir Ken: Ang on a minute you cheeky c**t. Little Kenny int going nowhere Ė
and neither are you you bleedin whore. Iím not givin you a divorce an if you do
set up with that Count Ron Iíll have the pair of you blackballed out of every
club an boozer in the Smoke. Iíve got influence remember Ė Iím on good terms
with Lord Mandelson.
Annie: You pointy eared bastard Ken! After all Iíve done!! I was just a 12
year old when you came sniffin round. You was 50 then you decrepit old git! All
that bollocks about a hidden lollipop in your pants. I could have you banged up
even now I reckon. Iíve got a right to a bit of happiness with Count Ron before
Sir Ken: Youíve got no right to nuffink you cow. Remember Iím top dog in the
Home Office so no-oneís goin to bang me up. Now piss off and come back in wearin
your nurseís uniform an bring me a G&T.
Act 1 Scene 2
A cornfield in the middle of Manchester, a small village just north of
Watford. A couple are prancing through the golden stalks. She, a gorgeous young
nymphet in a very short skirt what rides up whenever the wind blows; he is a
somewhat older bloke with a serious beard and sandals.
Len: Gosh Kitty, wot a great day. Itís lovely out here in the country away
from that filthy Londyn. An good of you to see me. I knew, when our hands
touched as we stubbed out our fags outside the Frog an Firkin that you wasnít
indifferent to me. I know you was keen on that toerag Count Ron but now I sense
youíve given him the elbow.
Kitty: More like he elbowed me Len. But itís true I am goin short of a bit of
the old pork sword. Even though you are a much older bloke I think youíre well
fit. Is it all that bikin you do back an to from Manchester?
Len: No Kitty Ė not just bikin Ė Iím nuts about farmin an all. I like nowt
better than reapin an stookin an muckin out típigs. If you marry me Kit itíll be
like a paradise here just off Deansgate Ė better than that dirty hellhole Londyn
an your disgustin brother-in-law Steve an his slut sister Annie. Wot díyou say?
Iíve got loadsamoney and a few hundred acres just down the road. You could be in
the Trafford Centre every weekend Ė an thereís a Harvey Nicks round the corner
from our cottage apartment at No1 Deansgate floor 15. Wot díyou say?
Kitty: Oooo yis Len! Lets do it now! Right here in the cornfield among the
golden stalks! Iím hoochin me skirt up. Iím gaggin for it.
Len: ErÖang on a mo Kit. We donít want to flatten the crop Ė be vandalism
that would. Letís go back to the motor an have a bunk up on the back seat.
Act 2 Scene 1
A sea-side apartment in Marbella. Annie is listlessly flicking through the
shopping channels on satellite TV while Count Ron is immersed in a two day old
Annie: Christ this is borin Ron! I miss Londyn an all me old mates at the
Frog an Firkin. I miss little Kenny too. I donít even know what school heís at.
Couldnít we sneak back incognito like?
Count Ron: No we couldnít Annie. That gobshite husband of yours would have us
bang to rights as soon as we stepped off the plane an nobody in the Frog would
speak to us coz weíre disgraced. Adultery is a serious crime in Londyn. Why
donít you watch them Eastenders videos I sent for while I just nip out to the
racetrack? Oh..an get that drippin tap fixed too. Thereís the number of one of
them Polish plumbers in the local rag.
Annie: >sigh< Yis Ron.
Act 2 Scene 2
Later - the same apartment. The doorbell rings. Annie opens the door to
reveal Stefan the plumber. He is tanned and fit and wears nothing under his blue
denim bib overall. He has a Saddam Hussein moustache and an afro hair do. His
hairy chest sprouts out over the top of his overall. Music from a Bee Geesí
album begins to play Ė first softly and then louder.
Stefan: I am Stefan the plumber at your service maíam. You very sexy lady if
I may say. I like blouse with buttons missing. I much better plumber than local
Panchos from the Manana Plumb Shop. You made right choice. As fellow northern
European I more at home with Tolstoy and Dostoievski than that Cervantes shite
that local plumbers go on about, so perhaps we have chat later on Russian 19C
novel. Now what is problem? Perhaps your drain hole is running hot..
Annie: Ooo Stefan youíve proper swept me off me feet. Yis praps we could have
a chat later on the complete works of Gogol wot I got from the Oxfam shop last
week. But first itís the tap. Count Ron, my partner, sez itís driving him mad
and distracts him from giving me a good seeing to.
They move over to the sink. As Annie reaches over to the tap Stefan also
reaches out and places his hand on hers. The Bee Gees music swells. Stefan bends
Annie over the units then carries her into the bedroom. In the now empty lounge
the 42" plasma TV clicks on.
Voice on TV: This is channel Britchav. Here is a newsflash. Exiled Britchav
Count Ron today tried to shoot himself at the Marbella racetrack. The bullet
glanced of his head and hit a Moroccan bookmaker in the leg. The bookmaker had
no papers and was put down immediately by track security. We now go over to the
General Franco Gunshots Unit at the city hospital.
Count Ron: No it wasnít the bet. Iím used to losing after years of following
the tips in the Mail. Itís her indoors. Weíre both getting pissed off here in
the constant sunshine and occasionally we yearn for something other than egg an
chips and a pint of Watneys when we go out for a nosh. In short we miss Londyn.
And I think sheís aving it off with a local plumber Sancho. I comes in last week
to find a copy of Don Quixote on the table with a marker in Chapter 36. Fishy
innit? Itís a fact that no-one born north of Barcelona ever got past Chapter 4.
I should have married that tasty hornbag Kitty Sherbertdip Ė she was well up for
it. But now sheís hooked up with some northern yokel. Bugger innit?
Act 3 Scene 1
The cottage at No1 Deansgate floor 15.
Len: Well Iím off now Kit. Have you made me snap tin up? I want a ploughmanís
and a flagon of mead Ė not that Londyn shite you did last week. I was a laughing
stock in the big meadow when I gets out a prawn an avocado ciabattia wrap with a
Harvey Wallbanger to wash it down.
Kitty: Where exactly is this big meadow Len? Iíve bin walkin round and lookin
out the window and I canít see nothing like a cornfield. I sometimes wonder if
your not snappin a bit off with some darkie peasant floosie from Moss Side. Last
week for instance you came home with your pants on back to front.
Len: Donít be daft Kit. Look on the map. Youíll find Castlefields just at the
other end of Deansgate. What díyou want me to do Ė bring back some horseshit?
Well Iíll be off. Oh and try an get that bath outlet fixed Ė it takes half an
hour to go down. Iíve written down the number of a Polish plumber on the pad.
Act 3 Scene 2
The cottage later the same day. The door bell rings. Kitty opens to find
Jorge the Polish Plumber. He is dressed in a surgeonís white coat emblazoned
with the words ROD-U-LIKE. He carries a doctorís style leather bag with a Louis
Vuitton logo. He is tall, lithe with thick black hair brushed back like George
Jorge: I plumber Jorge from Polski Plumbo high class pipe repairs for the
Manc elite Ė we have many exalted clients like Lord Rooney and Sir Ferguson.
That very nice frock madam Ė or is it belt? Suits your lovely legs Ė do they
meet at top? Your drain hole it needs rodding?
Kitty: Do come in Jorge. You look well fit for an oik plumber Ė and such
Jorge: I take up plumbing on advice of friend Stefan who says there are many
perks of job. Before this I was concert pianist in Lodz.
Kitty: Right. Iíll just put on this CD of Murray Perahia playing Chopins
Etudes Op 25 then while I fill the bath to show you how it blocks.
Jorge: Ah! The divine Frederic AND Murray! This music excites me greatly! It
always gives me, how you say? Ė the horn.
They retire to the bathroom.
Jorge: I think proper test is if we both strip bollock naked and plunge in
water together to raise level above overflow.
Kitty: Oooo yis Jorge! Whatever you say.
They get into bath. The sound of Chopinís Etudes gets louder.
Jorge: I now will rod your drain hole and rapidly stick plunger in and out to
make it fine.
Act 4 Scene 1
Greek Street Soho Londyn. Annie, disguised as an ugly person meets her son
little Kenny (now 18) and his friend Cedric
Annie: Kenny! Itís you!!
Kenny: Bugger off you old slag Ė and no I donít want a Big Issue.
Annie: Itís me Kenny! Your mum!
She whips off the grey wig and chucks the old mac in litter bin to reveal her
Kenny: God! It is you mum! Wot you doin here in Greek street? Dadíd have you
banged up if he knew. Heís well in with the Home Sec Jackie Collins Ė sheíll do
anything he says. Heís still mad about you runnin off with Count Ron. And what
happened to the other sprog you were havin?
Annie: It died. Youíre all Iíve got left Kenny. But what you doin poncin
about in Greek street when you should be in school. Didnít we have you down for
Kenny: Harrow?! Oooo no! Iím being privately educated at Lord Mandelsonís
mansion in South Ken. Iím taking PPE.
Kenny: Politics, Philosophy and Eroticism. In the mornings a dry old turd
from Cambridge comes in and lecturers on the life and works of Herbert Morrison.
Then in the afternoon Alistair Campbell speaks on Machiavelli Ė or to give the
course its full title Ė That Fucking Crafty Twat Machiavelli. In the evening
Lord Mandelson arrives and after an excellent dinner all three of us, me, Cedric
and Pete strip off, smear ourselves with baby oil and wrestle on the rug. The
winner is the one who finishes up wedged between the other two like the ham in a
sandwich. Itís all very Greek Ė his lordship is very good at it.
Annie: But what about girls Kenny? Cedric an Pete donít sound like suitable
company for a young lad.
Kenny: Girls!!? Wash your mouth out mum! Pete says sleeping with one is like
going to bed with a porpoise. Iíd never get a distinction in eroticism if I
Annie: Praps youíd like to come and stay with us at Marbella Kenny. Thereís
girls down there might change your mind. Iíve got a fine embonpoint but these
days, with implants, some of them are out here. (holds her cupped hands out)
Kenny: Iíve told you mum Iím not interested in embonpoint and neither is
Cedric or Pete. So I suggest you bugger off back to Marbella quick before dad or
Jackie Collins sees you.
Annie: Ooooo Kenny luv!!! You ungrateful gobshite!!
Act 4 Scene 2
Greek street. The flat of Stefanís daughter Wislawa. Annie, distraught, puts
down a Biggles book and speaks to Stefan who is polishing a 22mm copper solder
Annie: Me whole lifeís a fuck-up Stefan! Iím a failure. Iíve lost everything.
Kenny wonít see me and Count Ron is distant and always in the boozer or at the
racetrack. My old mates in the Frog an Firkin treat me like shit.
Stefan: You still have very fine embonpoint Annie. I buy video camera and we
make plenty money on internet. You will be star like Marilyn Monroe, Paris
Hilton or Edith Evans.
Annie: No Stef. Itís no good. Iím going to top myself. I think Iíll chuck
myself under a train.
Stefan: No not train Annie. Think of trauma for poor driver. I have better
idea. You take out big life insurance favouring Kenny and me then you run into
Stockwell tube station dressed as Muslim and shouting Allah Akbar! Police shoot
you in head. You escape stigma of suicide which is crime for Catholics and me
and Kenny get lots of money. Good eh?
Annie: Hmmm..it might work.
Stefan: Tomorrow I take you to Burqa Bargains next to Finsbury Mosque. Then
across to the Bomb Exchange for explosive belt. Because of your fine embonpoint
it will be invisible.
Fade Out Ė End of Episode 1
Will Kitty and Jorge become an item? Next week Count Ron joins the Marbella
Town Council and bans Don Quixote from the library. Will Kenny stop shirt
lifting after he spends half an hour on the trampoline with Jordan? Will Annie
really get shot now that Commissioner Blair has been sacked? Or will she become
Bin Ladenís new squeeze in a cave in Pakistan? Tune in next week to Channel
Polski (47) and find out.