Sara Clark 

Aah, dinni talk to us aboot drinkin today man, ahm feeling terrible like! Ah wuz up all night after that ‘orrible funeral business, y’kna? Had to drive all the way fre New-Castle an everythink. Terrible night, jus’ terrible. Ah just couldn’t set misel’ to sleep… Aye, it was the funeral like! Didn’t oor Madge tell yeh? Aye, that’s why ah shut the shop all day yesterday innit mon, wur brother Frank died a week agoo, poor oold sod. It’s on mah Facebook like, d’ya not check yer Facebook Sammy, what’s wrang wi’yer mon! It’s the information technology highway that keeps us aah together innit? Ah dunno. Load a bollix anyway this Face-book polarver. Y’seen that fillum, wha’s it called… The Global Hypah-Network or summing… Dead interestin’ that were, dead interestin'. Not the best film, mind, ah prefer a good western misel’, bud it makes yer think like… Ah saw it wi’ oor Neil when ah was up in New-castle fer the funeral. He thought it were crackin’, bud ah wasni that fussed aboot it mahsel’ to be honest with yez. Ah mean, whod’er thought, right, that one lousy student could just invent a whool entiyer industry from a daft ideeyah he thought up in ‘is lunchbreak eh? C’n you imagine that Sammy? Just sittin aboot, bitin’ inti an apple pie or summat daft like that, right, aboot to chow down on a hamburgah or have yersel’ a nice wee packet ‘er crisps an’ a diet cook, an’ then suddenly, out eh the blue sayin’ to yersel’… y’kna what? I might just gan an give that crackpot plan ah had the other week a chance like! An then yer gan ahead an’ try it, instead eh jus’ sayin’ it like, an it aaw works oot? All of a sudden it’s easy street, can yer imagine that like? Holidays in the sun, flashy cars, mortgage paid off, the lot! Magic that innit? Good luck to ‘im aah say – ah mean, if he had the balls to give it a shot like, yeh cannae but wish ‘im aaw the best. Ah mean, ah canni be bothered wi’ rich folk mahsel’, bud with summat like that – an ideeyah you had fram naawhere mon, well, on another day, that mightn’t be you, mightn’t it? Yeh canni knock ‘em fer that. Ah mean! T’think of aaw the ideas, right, that aave had oover the yeeyaz that mightan worked oot if ahd’ve given ‘em a chance. Coulda had misel’ one of them yacht malarkeys, who knaas? Bet yid gan on Facebook if yer ool’ buddy Jack ah’d’ve thought of it eh Sammy me ol’ pal. Ah could count on your support, ah know that. Ah might’ve called it summat bedda th’n that like though. Bit daft-soundin’ innit? Face-book? If yer think aboot it it kinda sounds creepy, y’knaa, like they used the skin off dead folk’s faces to make up the pages, like in one of them crappy horror filllums, or that Egyptian book of the dead, y’knaa? Ahd’ve called it "friend-connect" or “‘member me?” Actually that second one isn’t so bad is it? “Member me?” Kinda ominous innit, less like a horror fillum, more like a Western. Then when yer get a friend request it’s like, a picture of an oold friend pops up on yer screen an’you hear this computerised voice that gans, “‘member me?” All friendly like. Anyway, it might not’ve been Facebook ah dreamed up, but summat big like that. Cars that float on the water like, or some kind of water purification device. Dead interestin’ that kinda stuff. Hydraulics. Could build misel’ an empire, just fram havin’ a gan at the tap one day when ahm’ makin a cuppa like, then suddenly, inspiration hits! Clean water for all, courtesy of yours truly. Sorted! USA here I come! Mr Moneybags! Ah wouldnae save it up like, ah wouldne be a miser wi’ it. If aah make it, that’s mi family sorted fer life, like. Everybody gets a slice of the pie. Dinni get us wrang like, money isn’t everythink, aah know that. Yer see those celebrities fallin oot their private helicopters covered in diamonds and the like an’ yer think, "rather you than me pal". Aye! You might have money, but aah’ve got dignity, kna what ah mean? Ahm not afraid of hard work, even on a day like todays, where ah’ll be honest with yuz, ah’d much rather be in bed, bud ah canni afford to close the shop up another day, it’d crucify us! Not th’t ahm complainin’ like. Godduz a nice quiet life here in Bonny Scotland like, sellin’ sweets to kids, chattin’ away to oold dears. S'not that bad, eh? Pays the bills – oonly just mind, but it pays ‘em. It’s a living, which is more ‘an some poor buggers’ve got. Ah count mi stars, ah really do. Madge likes it an’all, y’knaa? She’s settled, y’knaa? That lunch club she gans to is startin’ up in a couple a weeks tiym an’ this new hoose we’re rentin’s godda fantastic goh-den. She sits there on an afternoon in her lil’ hat, fannin’ hersel’ like the queen of Sheba, aye, ah’ve a phooto actually, look, there she is, in her wee yeller hat like! Anyway, it’s not much of a drive to New-castle, if yer gan the A6008 route yeh can be there in an oor an’ a half, nah pro’lem man. See the family whenever ah want at the week-end like. Football, cinema, whadevver ah want. If only ah wasni so tiyad oohl the tiym, y’knaa? Ah wuz jus’ tellin Frank the other day like an… Ah well. Poor oold sod, God bless ‘im. Eeh dear, ah dinni knaa what ‘s wrang wi me today like! Naah, am aarite, dinni encourage us! Eeh dear. Thanks pet. Ah tell yer what thoo. He’d ‘ve propah hated that film, ah’ll bet yer anythink! Aye, oor Frank, bless ‘im. He’d er thought it wer a load er oold bollix like!